No Right Way to Grieve: Changing How We Support Children and Families

By: Jessica Porté (Wayfinder Family Co.) and Rebecca Wu (Rooster & Hen Resources)

“I wish I knew you when…”

As grief educators, it’s a phrase we often hear at the end of a training. It’s not just sentimental, it’s a reflection of something deeper. It holds up a mirror to the quiet ache so many carry: the experience of navigating grief without the words, support, or acknowledgment we needed.

The truth is the child who grieves without support often becomes the adult still searching for language.

Now, imagine being that child. Sitting in a classroom, trying to focus while your entire world has shifted. Trying to take a test, play with friends, or help at home while carrying something unspoken.

In Hawaiʻi, 1 in 14 children will experience the death of a parent or sibling before they turn 18 (CBEM, 2024). When we also consider the importance of extended and multigenerational families—so vital to Hawaiʻi’s communities—that number becomes even more impactful.

The death of a significant person in childhood can impact healthy development and increase the risk of long-term challenges. But with grief-informed care and protective factors—like a caring community, peer support, and tools for healthy coping—those risks can be greatly reduced, and resilience can begin to grow.

At Imua Family Services, that kind of early, thoughtful support is already in motion. Known for their commitment to early intervention, they continue expanding care for all children and families through their grief support program, Nā Keiki O Emalia.

Over the past year, we, Rebecca Wu, Rooster & Hen Resources and Jessica Porté, Wayfinder Family Co., have had the deep honor of partnering with Imua to offer grief-informed training for staff, volunteers, and community members. Each training invites participants to see grief through a child’s eyes—and introduces the healing role of play. It utilizes this natural process for children as an important piece to processing grief. Attendees often find themselves excited to participate like the child they once were.

When we dare to play our way through grief, we dismantle the myths that are unhelpful to those grieving. Here are three principles that can reframe how we look at grief and better support children.

There is no “right” way to grieve

Grief doesn’t look the same for every child, it impacts their whole self, not just their emotions.

Each child has their own personality, experience, and perspective of the person who died that can change their response and what they may need. It can be physical, like stomach aches, headaches, or trouble sleeping. Cognitively, grief may impact focus, memory, or learning. Socially, kids might withdraw from friends or become more clingy. Behaviorally, it can look like irritability, outbursts, or acting younger than their age.

Essentially, there’s no “right” way to grieve. Every response is valid even when grieving the same person. Creating safe, compassionate spaces where children feel seen, supported, and not alone in their experience is a step towards honoring their unique needs.

Why children’s grief looks different

It’s important to understand that a child’s experience of loss is very different from an adult’s. How children understand death and loss depends on their development. For example, younger children may struggle with the permanency of death, which can look like searching for their person every day or expecting them to come back. Teens may explore how their identity changes after the death (Who am I now that my person died?).

Over time, youth “re-grieve” as they grow, even if the loss occurred years ago, as they’re revisiting the loss with new insight and understanding. These nuances are important to be aware of so we can meet children where they are at and explain in age-appropriate ways.

Grief is shared

Children don’t exist in a vacuum. One person’s loss can ripple through roles, routines, and relationships within the family. Children notice these shifts, especially as they look to adults for cues on how to cope. That’s why having a support network of “safe people” is essential. These aren’t just physically safe adults, but emotionally safe ones, who listen and make space for big feelings. Who feels safe can vary for each child.

A child’s grief is also shaped by culture, which includes their family and community. Opportunities to share traditions and values influence how children mourn, heal, and communicate. That shared experience can connect individuals and reveal a child’s specific needs.